Community.
It is a big reason why I am doing this blog. I have learned how important real community is in my life and how important it has been to my healing. But the kind of community I am talking about is more than the typical community in the modern Western culture’s sense of the word. I am talking about the type of community that comes from the ancient Greek word and concept. I don’t want to sound overly nerdy here, but our English word “community” or “fellowship” (especially in English Bible translations) is often transliterated from the Greek word “koinonia.” Let me show you the difference in definitions…
Merriam-Webster defines community as: “a unified body of individuals.” To me, that sounds pretty sterile. It eludes to the idea of a group of independent people headed in the same direction. It lacks true connection.
Now, Thayer’s Greek Lexicon defines koinonia as: “the share which one has in anything, participation.” This is what I am talking about. Koinonia is more intimate. It brings people and stories together. Community, in its grandest form, allows people to share life together.
A New Community
Last week, I told you that a friend’s Facebook post struck a chord within me at one of my darkest times. And for whatever reason, I was inspired to share her sentiments and how they related to my struggles with depression and anxiety. Doing so, I was inducted into a new community
Now before going further, let me address this “public profession” of my struggles. First, I don’t really view this as a courageous act—as some have suggested. There simply came a point where I was tired of hiding my pain. (Or, in some respects, completely incapable of hiding it.) My friend was right. The kindness of others was one of the few things keeping me from succumbing to my pain altogether and I was simply trying to share that. Second, the public nature of my declaration, as well as the continued sharing of my story, has never been about garnering sympathy or spotlighting myself. (However, my buddy, Ray, says that my blog is the electronic equivalent of me loving to hear the sound of my own voice; but he’s a jerk, so…) My goal then, as it is now, is to be real. To let people know the truth that everyone struggles at times and that everyone’s story matters. To let people know that kindness, and caring, and vulnerability, and real stories, and real life, and real community can provide healing—even if I didn’t quite understand this initially.
So within minutes of my post, my friend sent me a text message. “I had no idea you struggled with depression,” she said. “I have battled depression for a long time too.”
What the…? I had no idea!
There’s something about that moment when someone lets you into their story. In that same instant, a human connection exists where it once did not. And even if the circumstances have not changed, loneliness subsides; if only fleetingly.
Now, this friend was not the first to be vulnerable with me about her struggles and, later, share her story with me. But this was a defining moment. She surprised me (in the best way) with this information. She, like me, had no idea each other struggled with depression. (More on that in a bit.) While we were not super close friends at that point, she was graciously vulnerable and let me know that I was not alone. Simply stated, it brought to mind the power of human interconnectedness. (Yes! I typed that big word one time, and spelled it correctly. Boom!)
Again, this interaction is a defining moment, not because this was the first time someone reached out to me in my darkness, but because of its nature. I have already mentioned a few times that my incredible wife, Jessi, was—and continues to be—there for me from the very beginning… A couple buddies from work knew details of my struggles and would sit and chat with me… Another friend, the wife of a coworker who has struggled with anxiety and depression, chatted with me by text for hours throughout the night when I couldn’t sleep… Countless times I sat around a bonfire with one of my closest buddies, sharing a beer and unloading my pain… And I had a couple amazing mentors that stepped up during this time that I will be forever indebted to. (You will hear about them in a future blog post).
So I had/have people in my life—I was not alone in my darkness, per se. But this moment, the moment I simply stated, in a public forum, that I struggled with depression and anxiety, triggering the response of my friend, changed something for me.
Isn’t it interesting that my friend and I were both surprised that each other struggled with depression? This is not something that most people discuss openly or even share with closer friends. There are countless people suffering silently, walking around with a mask of happiness. Why?
Depression and anxiety (and a cornucopia of other mental/behavioral illnesses) are extremely widespread in Western culture. Yet, there remains a stigma surrounding these afflictions. They continue to be viewed as issues of weakness. If one suffers with mental illness, it is surmised that one can also will themselves out of it. To the depressed we say: Just snap out of it! Look at all the blessings around you, how can you be “so sad?” Life sucks sometimes, you have it no worse than the next person. And to the anxious we say: You need to just calm down! (Yeah, that freaking helps…NOT!) Stop being so dramatic. You’re just working yourself up for no reason.
STOP SAYING THIS CRAP TO PEOPLE!!
It is true, sometimes we get sad because our priorities are askew and we need to adjust our perspectives. And, yes, sometimes we work ourselves up in situations because we are focusing on the wrong things. However, those who truly struggle with depression and anxiety cannot simply will themselves out of it. In fact, many of these people have tried repeatedly to use their own strength to overcome these illnesses only to see their symptoms worsen—I know, I was there!
Aside from the stigma of “weakness,” but akin to it, are the other implications preventing one from being “public” with his or her mental health struggles. Claiming one’s depression or anxiety could call into question a fitness to perform—albeit, wrongly. Sometimes we feel bound to our masquerade because we don’t want to jeopardize our employment, or future employment. And, sometimes, we are concerned what it will do to our relationships, or if it will ruin our credibility in certain settings. Basically, our culture has recognized mental health afflictions as a greater scourge than broken bones, or flu, or diabetes, or (insert random affliction here); yet, people show up to work, and to their daily lives, able to openly work through these pains. Why?
This, my friends, is why community is so incredibly important. People all around us are hurting. They are struggling silently with something. And I am here to tell you that silent struggle never leads to anywhere good. In fact, I am willing to say that inwardly harboring one’s pain brings about a faster and more painful demise. This is precisely the direction I was headed before becoming a part of this new community.
As I began to share more of my story, this community began to grow. People would reach out to me, ask how I was, and then begin to share their stories with me. I found this quite healing. The fact that someone would pause their masquerade for a moment and allow me into their story brought relief.
Now, I realize that I am an extrovert, and you introverts reading this are likely cringing at the moment. But hear me—introverts and extroverts alike. I am not suggesting that we all share intimate details of our lives with everyone all willy-nilly-like. What I am saying is that depression, and anxiety, and a plethora of other struggles are part of our mutual human condition. We should not have to live alone in pain. It is okay, even necessary to take off our masks from time to time. This is the purpose of community, of koinonia. It is sharing life together. It is understanding that your true story is important to tell—maybe not even for your own healing, but for the healing of your friend who suffers silently.
Thanks for reading, friends. Will you do me a favor? Drop me a line and let me know if this blog strikes a chord within you. I would love for my community to keep growing. You can leave a public reply below, or you can feel free to contact me privately.
Also, don’t forget to share Jim Ladiski Writes with all of your friends and family.
I wish you a very Happy New Year! See you here next week!
Be well…
P.S. If you have a story to tell and would like to join Jim Ladiski Writes as a guest blogger, please contact me!
Great post Jim! I have to admit that I grew up in a family where depression was considered a “weakness.” While I have had moments of depression for the most part I am an pretty “upbeat” personality. But sadly I must confess that I have had times when I know I hurt family members by saying some of those things you wrote about – “just calm down” or “you need to be more positive.” Thankfully over the years I have come to realize how wrong my family was and as I age I do have moments now of depression as my body begins to fail me and my children and grandchildren I know love me but their busy schedules and their distance from me leaves them little time for me. I know you said you were not being brave about sharing your own struggles, but I think you are.
Thanks for your kind words, Barbara, and for sharing a bit of your history! I believe we all have “said the wrong thing” to people in their times of distress; I certainly have. I think it is in most people’s nature to try to offer words of comfort when a friend or family member is struggling, even when we should probably be silent. In my experience, it wasn’t until I suffered from these afflictions that I truly understood them. I think it shows great maturity to admit when we were ignorant in how we may have responded in the past. And I hope there’s a lot of grace for those times when we responded wrongly.
Thanks for reading.
Be well…
Jim
I have a story, 2 actually. I have know idea where they began and I only remember how I pulled myself out of the first one (that one was dark). Is it worth going back and identifying how you arrived in those places or just thank God your not there now? I haven’t thought about this in years. I love your story and hung on every word; it’s written beautifully. Is there more to come? How do you keep your mental health healthy? Treatment is so different from person to person. Some people might feel as though they have tried everything and nothing is working(don’t give up there’s more). As I sit here typing this parts of my story is flooding my vision, feels invigorating. Clearly your story has struck a cord. Thanks for being brave enough to share.
First, Krystal, thank you for reading the blog, for your kind words, and for your questions. Second, I would like to attempt to answer those questions from my perspective. (I will just go one-by-one down your list.)
1) Is it worth going back and identifying how you arrived in those places or just thank God you’re not there now?
Let me preface my comment by reiterating one of your statements: “Treatment is so different from person to person.” This is very true. In fact, it is something to consider in answering your question. For me, I think it is crucial to identify what brought you to your dark moments. When I was in the midst of mine, I felt blindsided. I had no idea why I was in such a dark place. I was clinically depressed, anxious, and felt like God had abandoned me. Now, looking back, it is obvious to me why I floundered. (My blog posts titled: “The Bottom” Parts 1, 2, and 3 talk a bit about this.) While I explored the reasons I hit bottom at the same time I was in that dark place, I still think identifying your triggers later on is crucial to a more complete healing, as well as identifying how you can avoid hitting bottom again!
2) Is there more to come?
I am glad you asked. Yes! My goal is to continue on with my story in a once a week post. (I am also looking for guest bloggers who may want to share their stories. Let me know if you might be interested.)
3) How do you keep your mental health healthy?
Again, I want to point out your absolutely true statement: “Treatment is so different from person to person.” There are multiple reasons for mental health issues ranging from chemical imbalances to childhood traumas. Consequently, there are several types of treatment available. I plan to go into greater detail in future blog posts, but I will give you the Reader’s Digest version of what I do to stay healthy. But before that, let me also give you the quick version of why I sought treatment…
I have identified these things as what got me to the bottom: 1) Family history of depression. 2) The very sudden deaths of my mother and brother that I did not take the time to grieve. 3) Repressed trauma from multiple incidents in my career as a firefighter and paramedic. 4) Horrible coping mechanisms and sleep patterns. 5) A very superficial faith.
I first went to my primary care physician and got on an anti-depressant. (I didn’t want to, but, with family history, brain chemistry is often a culprit.) I stopped taking it after 3 days because of horrible side effects. Months later, I went back and tried again (out of desperation) and found one that worked. I continue to take an anti-depressant (Zoloft) and I believe it really helps (no side effects after about a week).
2) When memories of my mother and brother began to pop into my mind, and in my dreams, (along with gruesome memories of previous ambulance and fire calls I had been on), I figured that I should talk to a professional. I started out with a talk therapist, but that only went so far. It was suggested by a friend who went through treatment for PTSD that I try finding an EMDR therapist. This has helped immensely. This form of therapy was developed for PTSD but it is extremely effective in treating depression and anxiety as well. It has helped me identify the sources and memories that have led to my depression and anxiety. I went to therapy weekly for about 3 months, then I backed it down for a while, and then went weekly again for a bit. I still see this therapist on a regular basis and find it very helpful.
3) I don’t drink a lot, but I will have an occasional beer. And during the time I was on my downward spiral, I increased my consumption for a while; sometimes it was daily. I realized, later, that I was trying to self medicate. So, when I began seeking treatment, I quit alcohol and caffeine for several months. I also had terrible sleep habits. (A lot of that has to do with my career.) I began forcing myself to go to bed at a reasonable time and decrease screen time before going to bed. (After several months, I began having the occasional beer again, and, I began drinking my beloved coffee again.) The point here is, I had to (and still have to) remind myself to keep positive coping mechanisms in my life.
4) In short, at the time, my faith sucked! I am going to dedicate a blog post to this also, but I’ll give you another Reader’s Digest version here. When I hit bottom, I questioned everything about my faith. (I am Christian.) Again, in short, I put more of my faith in myself and other people than in the God I claimed. And, I found myself in a spiritual darkness along with my mental and physical one. I sought out a couple pastor friends of mine who I respected and trusted. They listened to me, allowed me to be real with them (because I was royally pissed off at God at the time), and they asked me a lot of questions. They modeled the type of Christian I want to be. I never received a lecture. I never received a list of things to do. I was loved, and listened to, and given time and space to unload and the the Holy Spirit heal me. I also switched churches at the time. (There are a lot of reasons why, but that’s probably another blog post.) The church I go to, and the missional community group I am a part of, have reacted in much the same way as my mentors. Nothing is off limits with them. We can be real. We can simply share life together…the ups and the downs! This, to me, is what the church (and individual Christians) should strive to be. So, no matter what faith tradition you subscribe to (and even if you aren’t a person of faith), don’t neglect your spirit. I believe that God is waiting for us to be real with Him too.
Hopefully that addresses your questions. And thank you for allowing this to be part of a public forum. Please reply if you have more insight or more questions. My hope is that somebody can take at least a little nugget from these posts and get the help that they may need!
Be well…
Jim
Thank you for your response. I’m officially caught up on your blog. Oh, how I hate when your story ends and then I have to wait to read more. What is that called? Effective cliffhanger?
About being a guest blogger, I will start digging into my brains archive.
Thanks for reading, Krystal. And thanks for commenting and being part of the community. When you are ready for a guest blog spot, there is space for you!
Yeah, about that telling someone to “just calm down…you’re not being rational”. I still cringe when I see a Merriam College Dictionary in the hands of a female. First, I must say I had no idea of the terminal velocity and sudden impact that educational tome made with left ear could smart that much. Second, as she reached for my Black’s Law Dictionary my survival sense suggested a retreat was in my best interest. Just saying it isn’t rational to expect a rational response.
I must disclose that I did kind of skim parts of your latest missive. The fact is my brain is easily distracted. Tonight it was PBS to blame…a documentary on some mountain monkeys in China. Very similar to SQUIRREL being shouted.
As to sleep disorders: Sleep is over rated. Beyond finally getting to sleep; the issue of staying asleep is a problem. Then the issue becomes getting up a rational hour (4am to 7am just doesn’t work well. The other issues ? My family has learned not to assume that just because I look at them and talk to them that I am truly awake. The other is to not grab, startle, or come within arms reach until I am fully awake.
So where am I going with this? Damned if I know!