I had a great coaching session this week! Yes, in addition to my weekly Missional Community gatherings, regular therapy sessions, personal conversations, and “journaling” through this blog, I occasionally talk with a coach by phone to keep myself moving in the right direction. It is a routine I have been doing for quite some time now and find it incredibly fruitful. If you’re unfamiliar with the concept of a coaching call, let me give you a brief overview of my experience to provide context to today’s post.

If you have ever been involved in a competitive sport, you are likely familiar with the idea of a coach. And philosophically, a sports coach and “life coach” are somewhat similar. Each are trying to direct the protégé toward a goal, to become better at their craft. The type of coaching to which I am referring requires significant mental exercise, but no sweating. In fact, one could even consume a donut while being coached in this manner—see why I like it so much?

In my experience, coaching begins with an area of my life I’d like to work on or a situation in which I would like to gain greater clarity. My coach asks me questions—lots of questions. She’s really good at it, too. Her role in a session is to guide me through the thinking process. (Yes, I need guidance to think!) She will occasionally interject what she has observed in my answers, but it is always her echoing my own words back to me. She is not giving me advice, she is helping me to take my own advice.

I need to jump slightly off topic to provide a little more context…

When I was in college, I had a couple different courses that required me to take a few different personality type tests; the most commonly known being the Myers-Briggs test. These tests can tell one a lot about themselves, which was certainly the case for me. (My Myers-Briggs type is ESTJ, by the way.) Across the board, in one form or another, each test told me that my personality is steeped in responsibility. While this wasn’t a profound revelation in and of itself, the accompanying descriptions of the common strengths and weaknesses of this personality trait have proven to be useful; and accurate.

For example, when it comes to strengths, the responsibility trait is often associated with being reliable, paying attention to detail, accomplishing tasks, and seeing projects through to completion. (Let’s keep that last one between us, okay. If my wife finds out, I am going to have to paint the garage!) The weaknesses associated with the responsibility trait include becoming overextended, taking on tasks of others, and an innate inability to say “no.”

Now, these descriptions are me paraphrasing my test results. And to summarize this even more succinctly, I have a tendency to overextend myself because I feel responsible to do things within my abilities—even if I am not liable to such things. The phrase “not my circus, not my monkeys” does not come naturally to me.

I have discussed a variety of topics with my coach. More than once I have looked for clarity on decisions I have had to make. I have explored different ways to do ministry. I have brainstormed ways to lead differently, and more effectively. I have discussed ways to become a better husband and father. No topic is off limits. And most recently, I was looking to better define the direction of my personal ministry. Specifically, I wanted to clarify which of the things I’ve been juggling should be allowed to fall, and which ones should remain aloft.

In each coaching session, there seems to be a moment of epiphany. Alright, I concede that the use of the word epiphany may be excessively dramatic, but it’s my blog, so shush! But really, I often have this palm to the face moment that brings things much more clearly into focus. Essentially, it is a perspective shift that turns the obscure to something obvious.

This week, my EPIPHANY (how’s that for dramatic?) presented itself in the form of a question: Is this responsible? I know, this is a seemingly common statement. But remember, my personality type is bent toward being accountable, for tackling things that are within the realm of my abilities or skills. For me—and I am curious about other “responsible” folk, too—this is much more than a common statement.

While I do have pride in being reliable, and striving to do the best I can with projects, I also realize that the personality trait that leads to these positive things also gets me into trouble at times. I do find myself in seasons where I am overextended. I do find myself taking on tasks that are not mine to take on. I do find myself trying to control too many aspects of my life—even the uncontrollable.

Are you asking yourself if there’s a point to all of this, yet? Here it comes…

Being responsible is a good great thing, if kept in check. But that’s precisely where I have routinely failed. My idea of being responsible sometimes looks like an attempt to control everything. If there is a need, I try to help. If I am asked to do something, my first answer is, “yes.” When I see a charity or ministry that is meeting the needs of the less fortunate, I look to see where I can get involved. My thought has been: To be responsible means to act when I am able, right? Well, I am beginning to learn that this was one aspect of my personality that, in part, steered me toward anxiety and depression. It caused my priorities to become misaligned and led to greater negligence, not reliability.

Is this responsible? This question, this simple question, has been reframed for me. It seems obvious now, but sometimes saying “no” is the most responsible thing one do. Likewise, the most responsible thing may be to allow something to fail, or to go undone when it is not one’s to control. Simply put, trying to do everything eventually leads to very little getting done, and possibly to a mental health crisis.

For me, I plan to take my own advice and ask myself this question often:

Is this responsible?

I wonder if this resonates with you at all. Do you struggle with “excessive responsibility?” Has this personality trait gotten you into trouble like it has me? I’d love to hear your comments! Please share your thoughts below or contact me privately if you wish.

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Be well…

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