(Please note: This post references the “Mid-Week ‘?'” that used to be a part of my page but no longer is. So if you are confused, no worries, I changed things up a bit.)

At the fire station, when there is work being done, it is inevitable that someone will show up and state, “Is there anything I can say to help?” (And the typical response is something like, “You can say that you’re leaving!”) It’s a fun way of saying, “I don’t really want to help, I just want to stand here and mock you!”

The purpose of today’s post is not to talk about the other “witty” responses in this fire station taunt. Instead, I would like to talk about my responses to two other very important questions that have been asked of me. 1) “What can I say to a friend who is struggling with depression?” 2) “What should I not say to a friend who is struggling with depression?”

I’ll begin by saying that questions like this are somewhat difficult to answer. Everyone who struggles with their mental health has unique experiences. However, through my personal experience with depression and anxiety, as well as through my multiple discussions with friends who also struggle through these ailments, I have found commonalities among our experiences. We have all heard good and bad things from others. And while I have heard of some friends receiving ill-willed responses, I will say that my personal experience has been different. When I was struggling deeply in my depression and anxiety most responded well, and just a few responded badly. But in both cases, all, I believe, had the best of intentions.

Let’s begin with…

What Not to Say!

First of all, stay away from all clichés and platitudes. Simple phrases like “Everything is going to work out” or, “You’ve got this” can come across as dismissive. In reality, you don’t know if everything is going to work out. Furthermore, a person who has come to the end of their own strength may not have anything left to give. Simply put, don’t try to “fix” a friend’s mental illness with a simple pleasantry. Beyond this, here are a few specific, common phrases that really do not help.

“I know how you feel.” No. No you don’t. Again, each person’s experience with mental illness is unique. And even if you do struggle with depression yourself, this is just a poor way of starting a conversation. Saying this may come across as you trying to “one up” your friend. (More about this below.)

“You have so much to be grateful for.” I can certainly speak personally about this one. This particular phrase works to completely invalidate a depressed person’s feelings. Furthermore, it tends to heap a bit of guilt on, too. I have the absolute best wife, amazing daughters, a good dog, a rewarding career, a strong faith, a great church and missional community, and some super supportive friends. I have always been grateful for these blessings—even in my worst moments of depression. Directly, depression can and does coexist with these blessings! To offer this phrase may tell your friend that their depression is their own fault because he or she doesn’t value the goodness surrounding them.

“Just think positive.” Again, from personal experience, I can speak to this with one word: impossible. When I was in the depths of my depression and anxiety, my mind seemed to naturally wander to the negative—and it was not a conscious choice. Brain chemistry has a lot to do with this. Sometimes, there is simply no way to will a positive thought.

“You must be a strong person for God to give you such a burden.” Similarly: “This is all part of God’s plan.” These are well intentioned phrases all-to-often used by my fellow Christians. I think the intention is to encourage strength in the individual and to speak of God’s ability to work in the worst of circumstances. Nice thought, but poor delivery. Again, when someone is at the end of their own strength, the first phrase may actually make your friend feel like they’ve failed God. And the second phrase is poorly placed. As a Christian, I do believe that God has a plan for his creation. However, I do not believe it is in his plan for anyone to suffer. He does promise to turn crappy situations into good—though, admittedly, we may not quite understand or see how in this life. (I’m paraphrasing here…see Romans 8:28 in the Bible.)

What to Say.

A friend responded to my Mid-Week “?” on Facebook this week with a completely appropriate and simple three step process in responding to someone who confides that they are suffering with depression, anxiety, etc…

1. Listen
2. Believe
3. Ask how you can help.

Commit these three steps to memory, friends. They are truly the crux of a good response. I will expound on this a bit further.

“Is there anything I can do help?” When, and only when, it is my turn to speak, this is what I most often say. This, when genuinely spoken, was a phrase that made me feel cared for. It keeps the focus on your hurting friend. It admits that you don’t know exactly what to do but that you are still willing to help. In my experience, I have found that, most often, your friend likely won’t know how you can help either. However, if you ask the question, be willing to act on their answer.

“May I share a little of my own story?” I found it incredibly helpful when friends would let me into their own stories. Especially when they personally struggled with depression and/or anxiety, it was comforting to know that I was not alone—and that they considered me a close enough friend to be vulnerable. This is how you may consider introducing your friend to your own experience without making it sound like a “one up.”

Say nothing. This, friends! This is what should be “said” most often. Your love and compassion is communicated better this way. I cannot tell you how many times my wife sat with me for hours as I sobbed and poured out my heart. She spoke directly to my aching heart without ever saying a word. A couple other friends come to mind as well. As I spoke with them, the only time they verbally responded was when they’d say, “I wish I had words to help,” or “What can I do?” I have read statistics that say up to 93% of communication is non-verbal. So, one could say that our words are needed only 7% of the time. Silently sharing the same space with your friend is what truly matters most!

Plain and simple, friends. If someone is hurting and is reaching out to you for help, think of them first, and love them in the best way you know how!

Is there anything I left out? Do you have personal experience that we all can learn from? Please comment below!

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Be well…

P.S. If you have a story to tell and would like to join Jim Ladiski Writes as a guest blogger, please contact me!