There is a great book on death and grief called, When Bad Things Happen To Good People by Harold Kushner. It is truly a good read. It was written to help guide the reader through those horrible times in life when one is left with more questions than answers. I had several people mention this book to me in the wake of my brother’s death. More often than not, however, the person recommending this book replaced the title word “When” with the word “Why“. I had actually heard of this book years before and I, too, thought that the title indeed began with “Why“.

I mention this distinction not only to recommend the book, I mention it to draw attention to the title of this post. My goal with this essay is not to answer the question of why. As Kusher points out in his work, the pursuit of answers to the why questions of pain often leads to even more questions, and frustration. So, I am staying away from this word altogether!

I have had the pleasure of talking with several people lately. And it’s unfortunate for me to learn in these discussions that some of my friends are hurting. Life and circumstances have them beat down. One friend even told me, “I just feel like shit all of the time!” It’s sad to hear things like this–I wish the very best for my friends. But I am also grateful that they allow me into their stories like this, and their feelings are relatable to me.

In recent months, through therapy, coaching, and exploration of my faith, I have come to understand the importance of processing my feelings and emotions. Because let’s be honest, it’s not a question of if, but when we will feel like shit. Please don’t be offended by my frank and unsophisticated use of terminology here, but I find it to be an appropriate description. We all get this way, to some degree, at different times in our lives. But we often make a critical error in these moments whether we recognize it or not.

Think of a time when you felt like…poo. Maybe that time is right now, though I hope it’s not. I suspect that you wanted or want nothing more than to be happy and joyful, right? This, my friends, is the essence of the critical error that I speak of. And it’s something that eluded me for the longest time in the midst of my struggles with anxiety and depression. However, I have come to learn that healing is happening even in the midst of suffering. Please don’t misunderstand, I am not suggesting that misery is always chock full of meaning and that we should wallow in it without seeking relief. On the contrary, I have come to find a certain sense of peace in knowing that my suffering is a natural and necessary part of the process to becoming whole again.

All too often, especially when many of us have everything we need (and sometimes want) right at our fingertips, we look for the quickest path from pain to relief. In fact, I think this is hardwired into us. We should look for relief when we are hurting. What we miss, though, is that feeling pain is proof that we are alive. It is proof that we have poured ourselves into something or someone so deeply that it hurts when it is taken away. When you are in such a state, it is proof that you have the capacity to love deeply–and that same love has the power to restore you to wholeness.

Here’s the deal…

Maybe you are suffering from the loss of someone very close to you. Maybe you are facing a devastating diagnosis. Maybe work stress has you beat down. And maybe you simply feel anxious and depressed for no apparent reason. Especially in these times, I don’t expect you to embrace your pain. (I certainly didn’t!) What I do hope is that you grasp onto the glimmer of hope that is found in the midst of it, even if that hope is barely palpable. Know that your pain doesn’t have to define you, and know that it is also okay to feel what you feel. Know that healing is taking place, even though you may feel that you are beyond broken. It is a paradox that is nearly impossible to cling to when suffering is at its worst, but it is a truth that indeed exists.

You are not a “lifer”, friend. You are healing! Grasp onto your pain as if it were your lifeboat, not the ocean you are drowning in.

So what do you think about this post. Is this your experience? Do you feel that I’m way off base? Please comment below to start a conversation, or feel free to contact me privately.

Be well…

P.S. If you have a story to tell and would like to join Jim Ladiski Writes as a guest blogger, please contact me!