A guest blog post by Andrea Moore…

The One

The reality of those nine words caused me the greatest hurt that I have ever experienced. Those words took away my hopes and dreams, which included my husband, and my ability to be an active parent to my daughter every single day.

My love for my husband had given him the power to hurt me so deeply, to devastate me completely. The resulting fear is based in the power that he held as my husband and by my loving him. 

How could I ever allow someone to have that power over me again?

My practical mind knows allowing myself to love a man and allowing him fully into my life, thereby giving him the power to hurt me, is a fear. There is no basis of fact that another man would stop loving me as my husband did and walk out of my life. I also know that by allowing the fear to keep me from meaningful relationships that I am short changing myself in life.

My faith-based heart and mind know that I should put my faith in God and not allow the fear to control my actions and, thereby, my relationships. God has kept his promise in Jeremiah 29:11, my life mantra. He has shown me over and over again in ways that I could not imagine were possible and certainly that I never deserved. I know that I should trust God with this fear and be able to put my faith in him.

Yet, I have not.  

It has been almost 17 years and I have not been able to conquer or move past this fear of loving another man; to allow another man to love me, to express my love for him freely, and to share my life completely, even though I really desire to have a partner in my life and to be married again. 

Failed Attempts

I have dated intermittently over the past 17 years. In some ways I feel sorry for the three men that I dated for longer periods of time. They suffered the consequences of words that they did not speak. 

I have hoped that if I was given enough time to get to know a man and to learn to trust that man that I would be able to make it past this fear. I will spare you a true synopsis of my dating failures, but will note that the failures were not because the men were not wonderful. Each man was great in his own individual ways. However, I do want to touch on how this fear has affected my dating. 

I always felt that the fear came out in my overall anxiety about making a commitment to a man. I would spend time with a man when my daughter was not home, but I would be reluctant or resistant to allow the man to participate in activities in my home that would involve my daughter. The inner circle of my close friends and family would rarely involve the man.

While working on this post, I had a conversation with one of the men I dated years ago. I asked if he was troubled by my lack of commitment when we dated. His assessment of my behavior took my breath away, he gave insight into my actions that I am not certain I could articulate as well as he did.   

In response to my question, he stated that, as he looked back at our time together, he would not classify my behavior as a lack of desire to commit, but rather an avoidance of titles. He went on to reason that I needed to be able to make the relationship my own and not be forced to label the relationship. 

He was completely right!   

As I look back at myself in those moments, it was not that I wanted to date several men and not be exclusive to one man. However, I could not give him a title that gave him the power over me. The titles of boyfriend, fiancé, and husband all have social connotations that give the man the power to hurt me if he were to stop loving me.

With that said, it does not mean that I did not love or have strong feelings for any of these men that I dated. Rather, I struggled to express it in the conventional way by saying I love you or calling the man my boyfriend. I was only successful with one man in ever expressing my feelings by saying the words I love you and giving him the title of boyfriend. 

As you can well imagine, my inability to give a man I am dating a title, express my feelings in words, and allowing him into my life completely would not make dating me enjoyable. One of the men was hurt by these behaviors and from dating me. It pains me knowing that I have caused someone else pain from how the fear plays out in my dating behavior. 

The Reality

I want a partner in my life, someone to share the adventures, the ups and the downs, and day-to-day life with. Yet each time I date a man, I continue to allow the fear to determine my behavior in moments when a decision could essentially give a man the power over me. I am very aware of my behavior in those moments and get almost frozen by the fear. Those haunting questions come back to me, returning me to a spot of all encompassing insecurity. I know full well this is a fear, but still the anxiety and overanalyzing take over. 

I do not allow him into my life.

I do not express how I truly feel about him. 

And the fear wins.

How do I move forward from this spot and end the reality of this fear? That is a question that I still do not have the answer too and, sadly, for me the battle of this fear continues…

Andrea, I am so proud of you for sharing your story! Even more, I am proud to call you my friend. Your vulnerability and powerful writing style are amazing.

Friends, if you didn’t read “part 1” of Andrea’s story, you can read it here. And guess what? I am told that Andrea is working on yet another blog post! Stay tuned for that.

If you’d like to contact Andrea, she’d be happy to chat. You can email her at moorean@gmail.com, or by messaging her on Facebook. And feel free to comment below to join the conversation!

Be well…

P.S. If you have a story to tell and would like to join Jim Ladiski Writes as a guest blogger, please contact me!